Filling the Void
by VampGirl
Summary: Immediately following "The Gift," Xander reflects on life without Buffy.


Filling the Void 

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Written by VampGirl

Rating: PG (a few bad words)

Pairing: Xander

Improv: #37 - wait, shine, futile, group

Disclaimer: Joss owns all rights to the characters; I'm borrowing Xander - no profit expected or infringement intended.

Spoilers: None, unless you haven't seen "The Gift".

Feedback: Please R/R and send it to the email addy above; it would be deeply appreciated.

Status: Finished

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Conscious to the luminous aura invading his bedroom, Xander cautiously fluttered open his eyelids. Lying on his back, the beige ceiling gradually came into focus; lengthy slits of sunshine splotched across it obliquely. Xander rubbed his eyes, than arched his back and stretched his arms up over his head grudgingly. He craned his neck to the left slightly - only to be greeted with a vacancy that Anya should have filled. Xander snapped his attention back to the ceiling, a heavy-hearted sigh wailed from his lips.

He harbored no doubt as to why Anya had dashed off; for the time being, she'd open and oversee daily operation of the Magic Box in Giles' absence. Like Xander and the rest of the Scoobies, Giles needed time to recover from Buffy's unforeseen demise as well. Nonetheless, Anya contested that the store simply could not stay closed - even for a day. She argued that customers would certainly come seeking mystical charms or potions, to ease their worries from the sudden surge in demonic activity that the temporal shifts had unleashed. She wouldn't allow the magic-buying populace to lay in wait while they dealt with their emotions. 'A satisfied customer was a repeat customer' she successfully lobbied to Giles.

Although Xander didn't fault her logic, he yearned for Anya to be next to him - to snuggle in her warm embrace, to drain the building sorrow he bottled up inside. Instead he tugged the fuzzy yellow blanket and white bed sheet up to his chin, huddling in the warmth underneath. From his beloved, his thoughts drifted back to his dearest departed friend. The woman, who'd permanently altered his mediocre life five years ago, was now stone cold dead. How resplendently radiant the morning sun had glistened upon her as she ascended the front steps of Sunnydale High School. Alas, the sun would never shine as vibrantly without her.

Nevertheless, her recent death had not been her first. Xander relieved the heartwrenching scene in his mind. He reached her mere seconds after she had drowned in the Master's lair. His heart plunged as he sight - Angel kneeling at the water's edge, embracing her limp body gingerly in his arms. Angel's morose expression confirmed Xander worst fear; Angel's words hit him hard in the gut - 'she's dead.' Refusing to accept it, he jumped down and administered CPR to Buffy's body. As all hoped seemed lost, Buffy's eyes sprung open and her breathing returned. Words were futile in depicting his jubilance at her resurrection, for Buffy still had to defeat the Master - though she accomplished the task with a renewed spirit in her stance.

Xander, vehemently over the subsequent years, participated in expanding Buffy's longevity in the world - as his love for her evolved as well. The schoolboy crush transformed into a deep bond of friendship. It was forged out of loyalty, respect, tenderness and numerous battles fought side-by-side. He'd been her 'white knight' to Angelus, her 'key guy' in executing the attack against the Mayor, and her 'heart' when enjoined to defeat Adam.

Tears welled up in his eyes as Xander recounted the fatal final fight with Glory. It granted victory for humanity, except for Buffy. This time, CPR would not resuscitate her. This time - Xander had lost her forever. Sucked away with her were the nightly patrols, the quirky laughter after one of his multitude of inane jokes, the passionate pleas begging him to stay away from a battle, and sparring sessions at the Magic Box. The latter, Xander mused pensively, he'd grieve over the greatest; listening and dispensing advice to her current problems as she worked out her frustrations had become a regular part of his weekly routine. 

Short bursts of ringing flowed gradually into his thoughts, growing louder as Xander regained focus of the beige ceiling above him. The telephone impatiently and repeatedly summoned his attention. Xander rolled stiffly across his bed, grasping the receiver firmly and drawing it in a flash to his ear. 

"Hello," he greeted the caller tersely.

"My, aren't you the cranky bear in the morning?" responded a weary Willow.

"It's still morning?"

"Ah, well, if you live in Hawaii or Alaska, definitely. But in Sunnydale, it's kinda around noon," quipped the witch.

"Okay - whatever. What's up?" Xander turned onto his back and gazed idly at the beige above.

"You need to come down to the Magic Box as soon as possible. Tara and I have been doing some research and I think-" Willow paused, uncertain how much to reveal. "I think you should get down here before I say anything else."

"Will, I actually don't feel up to doing the whole 'group' thing at the moment - okay? Would like my own space for today. You guys can take care of any nasties that come up, can't you?" 

"Xander, this isn't about fighting. It's about bringing Buffy back," implored Willow. Xander bolted upright with her revelation, flinging the bed sheets away from his body. "I mean, it won't happen today or tomorrow or maybe even a month from tomorrow-" Willow paused briefly to place emphasis on what she was about to add. "I'm just saying - we might have something and we should all agree on it before we proceed."

"I'll be right there," Xander cried promptly as Willow finished her last statement. 

Without further ado, Xander hung up the phone and leaped out of bed. The void he had felt earlier in his heart closed abruptly with Willow's disclosure; maybe he wouldn't have to face it at all. With his reinvigorated spirit, Xander dressed hastily and dashed out of the apartment, almost forgetting to lock the door behind him. As he stepped outside, Xander cautiously noted the day appeared as if it could get brighter once more.

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_Filling the Void_, © Copyrighted 2002 


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